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Your Intimacy Style Quiz

Most people struggle with intimacy not because they’re broken, but because they’ve been trying to bond in a way that doesn’t match how they’re wired or what they've learned about love.

This quiz helps you uncover your unique intimacy style based on your innate personality, your childhood, and your past relationships. It's likely that you will have a primary and secondary style and more than one answer will feel right to you. Answer the one that you agree with the strongest.

Stop trying to "find" intimacy, and learn how to "create" it in a way that feels right for you. Start by learning your unique intimacy style.

1. When you're getting to know someone new, what makes you feel most drawn to them?

A deep, intellectually stimulating conversation full of curiosity and new ideas where you completely lost track of time.

When you shared something vulnerable about yourself and they didn't flinch. It feels like your hearts speak the same language.

A grounded, sensory moment - cooking, sharing a new experience, or exchanging light touches throughout the date. Your nervous system feels calm around them.

A mutual sense of playful energy and shared excitement that feels electric. They are really excited about you.

2 . When you're trying to reconnect with someone after conflict, what feels most healing to you?

Having a thoughtful conversation about what happened and what you both learned from it

Being able to express and process the emotions that came up during that time together

Spending quality physical time together (through a shared meal, a walk, or simply being in the same space)

Feeling their renewed enthusiasm and energy for the relationship and seeing that they're genuinely excited to be back in sync with you

3. What makes you feel safe enough to open up emotionally?

Someone who listens with curiosity and asks thoughtful questions.

Someone who stays emotionally present and stays engaged, especially when you share things that are vulnerable.

Someone who is physically affectionate that you never have to ask for physical touch from whether it's frequent light touches, constant cuddles, or sexual intimacy.

Someone who is consistent in their energy every time they see me. I never have to wonder if they are interested in me.

4. How do you show someone you care about them?

By sharing insights, offering thoughtful perspectives, or helping them solve problems they're facing

By being emotionally present, checking in on how they're feeling, and creating space for them to be vulnerable

Through physical gestures (cooking for them, giving hugs, or simply being present in their space)

By bringing positive energy to their life, and celebrating who they are, and finding ways to help them grow

5. When you feel emotionally overwhelmed, what do you most often need?

Time to process alone and name what’s really happening

To talk it out and be seen in the rawness

To retreat into something grounding—touch, routine, or stillness

To feel emotionally reconnected through shared laughter or intimacy

6. In your closest relationships, people probably see you as...

Thoughtful and insightful, sometimes hard to read emotionally

Emotionally expressive and caring, maybe a little intense

A grounding presence, always available for a hug or warm companionship

Vibrant and emotionally adaptable, sometimes hard to see what's in their emotional landscape

7. When a relationship ends, what part of it do you miss the most?

Your belief that there must have been a solution—your mind replays what could’ve made it work.

The emotional resonance—you feel strong echoes of them in unexpected moments and miss having a container to express yourself

The shift in daily rhythm—you miss falling asleep next to them, cuddling while watching a movie, or holding hands during daily walks

The amplifier—you miss having someone to share your wins with or get excited about a new project with

8. When things go well in a relationship, what part of you is still learning how to relax?

The part that is constantly analyzing and waiting for something to go wrong.

The part that is bracing for emotional inconsistency or abandonment even when there are no signs of it

The part that craves more touch and affection, It never seems to be enough

The part that worries that notices your own energy change at every minor misalignment

9. If you were honest, what makes intimacy feel dangerous even though you long for it?

It blurs the boundaries between what you know and what you feel. It's hard for you to make decisions based on an objective truth.

It can feel all consuming and overwhelming. Sometimes, I'm also afraid that if they knew the real me, they would think I'm too much or too intense.

It can destabilize my nervous system. Sometimes, conflict or even closeness brings up strong sensations and feelings in my body that I don't always understand.

I'm afraid that I will lose myself. I have a tendency to adapt to the other person's moods, needs, and desires. Sometimes, that happens at the expense of my own.

10. What did you learn about expressing your needs growing up?

Q10

That needs should be expressed calmly and logically or not at all

That feelings were powerful currency and needs result in guilt

That physical needs were more important than emotional needs

That shifting yourself for others made love feel more secure

11. When you think about early messages you received about love that still linger today?

Q11

Love rewards competence and composure, not emotional messiness

Love is something that comes with very big feelings - passion, chemistry, guilt, and anger

Love feels calm and safe in your body

Love is tied to how well behaved and emotionally engaging you are

12. When something feels “off” in a connection, how do you most often make sense of it?

Q12

You look for issues to fix and try to find practical solutions to address them

You try to get them to share how they feel and try to talk through your feelings with them as well

You try to find more shared experiences or increase physical closeness

You tune into whether they're still excited for you and try to create novel moments of intensity

13. After a long, emotionally draining day, the most supportive thing your partner could do is...

Q13

Give you space to decompress and ask thoughtful questions when you're ready

Let you cry or vent, validate your emotional world, and affirm their support for you

Make you dinner, offer a hug, or just rest beside you in silence

Lighten the mood, distract you with play, or match your energy when you're ready to re-engage

14. When relationships ended, what was usually the reason?

Q14

You got bored and lost interest

There was too much emotional volatility or not enough emotional expression

There wasn't enough physical touch and/or the ability to build a shared life together

There was a misalignment in excitement for one another

15. When you feel distant from someone important to you, what's usually the first sign?

Q15

Conversations become surface-level or repetitive—you're not learning anything new together

You stop sharing vulnerable feelings or they stop asking how you're really doing

Physical contact decreases or feels mechanical rather than connected

Their energy toward you feels muted or obligatory rather than genuine and enthusiastic

16. What type of miscommunication tends to hurt you most in relationships?

Q16

When someone dismisses your ideas or doesn't engage with your perspective intellectually

When someone doesn't acknowledge or validate your emotional experience

When someone is physically distant or doesn't initiate touch when you need comfort

When someone seems disinterested or is distracted in interactions that matter to you

17. What do you still secretly wish someone could understand about the way you love?

Q17

That you care deeply even if you can't show it easily

That you have a huge capacity to love, if only they are willing to stay in it with you

That nervous system regulation and safety in your body is a prerequisite for emotional intimacy

That you light up when others are excited about you. That what they do or say is less important than how much they desire you.

Did this quiz resonate with you? Or did you struggle to find answers that matched how you feel? Was there an important area that you think should have been covered but wasn't? I would love to hear your suggestions and feedback.