The Secure Self Quiz

Loving someone in addiction? Find out what it's doing to you.

There are 13 questions. For each one, choose the answer that feels most true — even if it's uncomfortable. There are no right answers. At the end, you'll receive one of four attachment patterns, each named for the role you've taken on in this relationship.

This quiz was created by Brinn, founder of The Secure Self — a framework for partners, spouses, and family members navigating a loved one's addiction and recovery.

1. Who did you have to become to survive this relationship?

The one who keeps everything from falling apart

The one who finds solutions and holds the plan

The one who makes themselves easy to be with

The one who learned to feel nothing

2. When your loved one is struggling, your first instinct is to...

Figure out what I can do to stabilize things

Understand what triggered this and prevent it next time

Make sure they're okay before I let myself feel anything

Go quiet and just get through the day

3. When you think about your own needs in this relationship, you...

Often can't name them — I'm too focused on theirs

Know what they are, but feel guilty asking

Have quietly stopped expecting them to be met

Feel numb — I'm not sure I have needs right now

4. In a tense moment or argument, you tend to...

Stay calm and manage it so it doesn't escalate

Explain, reason, negotiate — there has to be a solution

Soften your position so they don't feel attacked

Shut down or leave the room to avoid the feeling

5. Your friends or family might say that you...

Always know what to do in a crisis

Overthink and try to control outcomes

Put everyone else first, always

Seem distant or checked out lately

6. When things are calm for a while, you feel...

Cautiously alert — when's the next thing?

Relieved, but already planning for the next problem

Like I can finally breathe, but I don't quite trust it

Vaguely empty — I don't know who I am outside the chaos

7. When you imagine having your own needs met — space, time, support — you feel...

Guilty, like I'm abandoning my responsibilities

Like I'd have to earn it first — get things stable enough

Uncomfortable, like I don't deserve to want that

Disconnected from the idea — I can't really picture it

8. Right now, the truest sentence for you is...

I keep everything together, and I'm exhausted

I keep trying to fix this, and it's not working

I keep making myself smaller, and I'm disappearing

I keep going through the motions, and I feel nothing

9. When you imagine your life five years from now, your first thought is about...

solving the situation

whether you'll still be recognizable to yourself

whether you'll feel anything at all

10. The version of you before this relationship was...

more rested, less alert

more optimistic, less cynical

more present, more herself

more alive, more feeling

11. When you cry — if you cry — it's usually because...

you finally stopped moving long enough

you realized the plan isn't working

you did something for yourself and felt guilty

nothing — you haven't cried in a while

12. The sentence that scares you most is...

What happens if I stop holding this together?

What if nothing I do actually changes anything?

What if I ask for too much and they leave?

What if there's nothing left of me under all of this?

13. If a close friend described what you've been through, they would say...

She's been carrying everyone

She's been trying everything

She's been shrinking

She's been disappearing