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what’s your pattern in love?

this 10 question quiz helps you see the patterns shaping your relationships as they actually show up in your lived experience.

as you answer, let yourself respond from how you truly feel, not how you think you should feel. there are no right or wrong answers here. only clarity.

what you uncover will point you toward a more grounded relationship with yourself and a clearer sense of power in how you love and relate.

1. when you first start liking someone, what’s your instinctual response?

1. When you first start liking someone, what’s your instinctual response?

i get excited and start fantasizing about our future. i want closeness, constant talking, and connection fast

i get excited but overwhelmed. it feels fast and urgent, like i’m already afraid of losing them before it begins

i come on strong at first—affectionate and available. but when it feels too close or demanding, i pull back

i stay curious but grounded, enjoying connection without losing my own pace or needs

i try to figure out who they want me to be. i adapt and mirror to stay likeable

i come in strong, interested, and romantic, but i pull back once things get emotionally real

i show up subtly—offering help, checking in, and being emotionally available

i stay cool, composed, and curious. i think it through logically—do their values align with mine?

i keep it to myself, not wanting to get ahead or show too much. i like them but don’t build stories around it

2. how do you tend to show love in the early stages of dating?

i’m all in at first—flirty and invested. but when i feel exposed, i hesitate and pull back to protect myself

i show up thoughtfully and stay composed. i’m kind and consistent, preferring to show care through stability rather than emotional displays

i express interest gradually with presence, care, and curiosity. i don’t overextend or hide—i just show up as myself and let things unfold

i show up by being helpful, remembering their preferences, and supporting their goals. i give quietly, hoping it’s enough to be valued

i open up fast and get intense, sometimes oversharing. but if something feels off, i can quickly retreat

i hold back and keep things casual. i do small kind acts but avoid feeling exposed until i’m sure it’s safe to open up

i come on strong with compliments and deep talks but pull back when it feels too exposing. when others want more than i’m ready to give, i retreat

i go all in—spending time, sending good morning texts, and making them feel special. i need closeness and reassurance they feel the same

i mirror their energy and stay agreeable, trying to be what they want. i show interest through emotional attunement, not vulnerability

3. what happens internally when someone compliments you or shows care?

3. What happens internally when someone compliments you or shows care?

i notice care but keep my distance. i avoid opening up to protect myself and maintain control

i notice care but stay guarded, expecting betrayal. sometimes i accept it; other times, i’m suspicious and pull back to protect myself

it makes me want to give more. i feel grateful but wonder if i've earned it. i try to match or outdo their care to feel safe

i feel hopeful when someone shows care. i reach out, seek reassurance, and try to keep the connection alive, but quietly fear i’m chasing something i might never have

it feels emotional and exposing. one part of me lights up, while another braces for loss, holding tight to protect myself

i receive it openly and gratefully, without hesitation. it feels good to be seen, and i don’t feel the need to repay it

i’ll say thanks or smile, but it doesn’t fully land. it feels nice, but i keep a wall up and don’t really let it in

i appreciate it but don’t dwell on it. i prefer steady connection over emotional expression; it doesn’t affect me much either way

i smile and respond politely but start analyzing their meaning and whether i’m truly worthy of their words

4. when you sense someone is pulling away—less responsive, less present—what happens for you?

i notice it but pull back silently. i wait for them to return while doubting if i can trust the connection

i panic and overthink what I said or did. i reach out to fix things or get clarity and can’t relax until i feel reconnected

i feel it but don’t rush. i check in with myself, then respond honestly or give space based on what feels right

i immediately adjust—tone it down, act less invested, and match their distance to avoid pushing them away

i try to be supportive, give space, and stay present, but inside i worry they might leave. my mind races with ‘what ifs,’ and i struggle to stay calm

if they pull away, i disconnect too. i retreat early to avoid getting caught in something messy. i keep moving forward without looking back

i get triggered quickly. i might lash out or say i don’t care, even if i do. Then i regret it and feel ashamed

i pull back—not to play games, but to take space and stop expecting anything from them

i notice but don’t react. i focus on my routine. if something’s wrong, they’ll say it—i won’t guess

5. what are your deepest fears in relationships?

i fear that asking for too much will push them away. i’m scared my needs make me a burden, so i try to prove i’m worth loving

i fear closeness will feel like pressure i can’t handle. i worry it starts well but i’ll want out or they’ll expect too much

i fear getting attached and blindsided. i’m scared i’ll be too much, get hurt, and lose control

i don’t really have fears. i just think emotions complicate things unnecessarily

i fear losing myself, feeling consumed, and compromising too much of who i am

i fear getting close and regretting it. i’m scared i’ll lose perspective, ignore red flags, or need someone who hurts me

i fear caring more than they do and being left once they get what they want. i’m scared i’ll never be enough to make them stay

i’m not afraid of love. i care deeply, but i won’t sacrifice my clarity or my needs to keep it

i fear showing the real me will change how they see me or make them leave. being fully seen feels risky

6. what happens for you when things get tense or you’re in an argument?

i stay logical and focus on facts. emotional arguments feel like a waste of time and energy

i get overwhelmed and need to talk things through immediately. i can’t focus until we’re okay

i try to de-escalate and keep things calm. i rarely share my feelings and focus on preventing the other person from pulling away

i shut down or change the subject. when things get emotional, i check out or avoid taking it personally. i just want it to end so i can move on

i get triggered quickly. i might say something i regret, get emotional, then shut down. it all feels overwhelming

i hold it together until I can’t. i might get sharp or shut down, but it’s because i feel cornered. i need space to regain control

i stay present, even when it’s uncomfortable. i try to understand both sides and speak honestly without blaming or withdrawing

i manage how i come across, trying to say the right thing and stay agreeable, but inside i brace for emotional fallout

i get defensive if blamed and might say something harsh. afterward, i pull away, preferring to handle it alone

7. how do you usually relate to your own needs in relationships?

it’s complicated. some days I express myself; others i shut down or push people away. i’m not always sure what i need

i handle my struggles privately. i don’t want others to feel responsible or let me down, so i manage on my own

i feel like I need a lot. i try to communicate, but sometimes it gets messy or intense. i just want to feel connected

i stay aware of my needs and express them when it feels right. i don’t expect anyone to meet all of them but don’t ignore them either

i keep things simple. if something matters, i say it, but i don’t bring up every little thing

i tend to hold my needs in. i’m unsure if it’s safe to share, so i adjust instead. it feels easier not to need much

i feel my needs but don’t always trust they’ll be received well. i might share at first but shut down if it feels unbalanced or too exposed

i usually put my needs aside. i focus on theirs, hoping they’ll notice mine without me saying anything

i’m fine as long as things stay light. too much emotional pressure makes me check out. i need space, not intensity

8. what makes you start to feel unsafe or guarded in a relationship?

when i show up fully but don’t get the same in return, i start to pull back

when someone expects too much emotionally, i need space to feel like myself again

when things feel unclear, i get anxious and seek reassurance, trying harder to stay close

when i feel exposed or think i said the wrong thing, i want to fix it or disappear into the background

when things get heavy or unpredictable, i prefer to keep it practical rather than face big feelings

when i feel like i’m disappointing them, i worry i’ll be too much or not enough at the wrong time

when emotions take over or things get messy, i shut down or pull away to protect myself

when i get too attached or care deeply, i can get overwhelmed quickly if things change

when someone relies on me too much, i don’t want to be responsible for their feelings

9. what’s your first instinct when someone is emotionally upset with you?

i shut down and pull back. i become defensive and less willing to talk when things get emotional

i feel bad and wonder what I did wrong. i focus on their feelings and try to smooth things over, even if i’m hurting too

i go straight to logic. i might seem cold or dismissive, but that’s how i cope when emotions get intense—i need space

i go quiet or deflect. i try to move on and avoid getting pulled into emotional situations

i slow down and listen, even when it’s hard. i try to understand without taking it all on

i shut down and pull away. i feel ashamed or defensive but prefer to handle it alone rather than show it to others

i go neutral. i watch their tone, adjust my words, and try not to make things worse

i immediately want to fix things. i apologize, explain, or try to make things okay again

i get overwhelmed, might lash out or say things i don’t mean, then need space immediately

10. how do you usually end relationships (romantic or platonic)?

i slowly disappear. physically present, but emotionally gone. eventually, i ghost or drift away

i adapt until i burn out. i may seem fine, but inside i disconnect long before i speak up

i pull away quietly, on my terms, and feel a sense of relief once i'm out

i end it clearly and rationally. if it’s not working, there’s no point dragging it out

i go cold. once i feel unsafe, i shut off emotionally and create distance until it ends

i hold on as long as i can, even when it’s not working. i struggle to let go, especially if i don’t feel fully chosen

i leave and come back repeatedly. i want to be done, but part of me hopes it could still work

i stay longer than i should. i feel responsible for their emotions, even when it hurts me

i try to be honest and grounded. if it’s not working, i have the conversation and leave with clarity and care